Survival is necessary, but it is not always sweet.

How is it that I've been able to live without Twin?   Seeing her for the first time since Christmas 2008 brings a certain upheaval for the life I've crafted in her absence.  I suddenly realize how empty the months have been without her compared to what the next two weeks will be with her.

This thing about living long distance is such a strange phenomenon.  Yes we've talked on the phone, kept up via the web... but seriously, how have I lived without the sparkle of her smile in my life?  Laughter is so much more in the physical, when we can experience nuance and jest in the tangible. Conversation is three dimensional with expression, and meaning has context that does not exist in 2 dimensions via phone or page.

My realization from this; it is that a fine line sits between the enjoyment of life and the survival of life.  We live in different countries.  We survive without each other.  But, we enjoy life so much more when the steps are walked together. Relationships are those crusty, wholesome things that make each of us who we are.  They are fabric.  My twin is part of my fabric.  I prefer it when she is nearby, but I survive when she isn't.  Yet when she is, it is such a beautiful, harmonious thing.

Survival is necessary, but it is not always sweet.

If you are reading this today and just simply surviving, I know what that's like.  I have experienced survival many times while living away from my culture, best friends and family.

I hope right now you can think of some people, family or friends whom you know life is sweeter with.  Cling to their memories.  Don't stop growing in their absence, but keep that little memory of their company near by.

Operation snow 2008

We just shoveled 3/4ths of the driveway! Mr Lesaro, Ma Hill and me....hard work. My fingers are freezing, but at least the rental car is now at the top of the drive. 3 hours. Three hours. I'm now in the process of thawing. Ma Hill and I did our share of goofing around, and I of course, bossed mom and gavin around, trying to get them to try different methods, until we found the "fast" way of manually clearing snow. (sorry for being so bossy Ma Hill and Mr Lesaro, its unfortunately part of my nature to manage). Tarps are not an easy way to make a sled by the way, as mom and I tried, and got virtually nowhere, though it was very funny! The other problem we came in contact with was water streaming from an outside shed along the side of the house. It was trickling down into my mothers patio, off of her flat. Well, needless to say we now have no water, at least until Mr Landlord buys a valve. In the meantime we are thinking about taking a venture to oak harbor. I'm looking forward to it. Mr Lesaro and I both are having massive cabin fever, after 3 days stuck at home.

Dec Thirteenth Comes Soon

Though there are other issues that plow through the snowdrifts in my brain I think I'll talk about my husband. He'll be here in less than six days. It's this very peaceful feeling, knowing that Saturday night, a plane from New Zealand, via San Francisco will be carrying my short hobbit like man. I've gone almost 5 months without his company (minus 1 sorrowful week in October). Mr Lesaro is gentle, and comforting, and unassuming, and I've missed his quirky sense of humor. He is kind, and giving, and rarely demanding. There is a certain quility of security in his personality that I have yet to pinpoint and that makes him interesting to me. His patience is sometimes a weakness, but often keeps my impatience at bay. He has helped me be objective on many occasions and I only hope I have done the same for him.

In July, I sat across from him. We were at an Italian place for dinner, in Parnell. It was a tiny place. Rustic, with wood floors and interesting local art hanging from it's walls. For one brief, intense moment, tears infultrated my eyes; I knew that night was the last time we'd see each other for 5.5 months. But, even then the thought was there, between both Mr Lesaro and I. Statistics we'd researched about cancer had confirmed it.  I came and Papa has passed, and now Mr. Lesaro comes on Saturday.

Maybe its the relief that we'll be together now. Maybe it's how he loves me that makes this reunion so special to me. Whatever it is, I am looking forward to hugging him, and waking with him. Looking forward to going to the cinemas with him, and opening presents with him...just being with him.

How unworthy I am of such a simple, kind, friendly, hard-working man and friend.

Thank you God, and be with my mother, as she experiences a time, when her man is in a world nearer you and knowing you deeper and experiencing you face to face, and now mom is left here alone. Whether it be 5.5 months, or 55.5 years, I pray her time would pass as easily as my few months has without my companion. Thank you for listening...God and everyone.
luv Jenn

Today is harder than any other I've had. Just small tasks to do today, but I can't stop missing Papa. I just wish for him near me. I long for his advice, or comment, or story. I long to listen to him talk, or even tell me what to do, even in a bossy way, I don't care. I wish for him to say "I miss you" like he used to when I'd call home from New Zealand. "I miss you too Papa." I honestly don't know how people go through this without believing in heaven or God. This is the only thing that brings me solace, that Papa is in a new place that has no more suffering. Death...oh death, you are painful and strip me of control over my emotions. Not so for the one who has passed. He went peacefully. But for me, the one who sits and misses, and longs.

Lu and Mr Lesaro
A moment of closeness.  We love you Pa Hill