Operation snow 2008

We just shoveled 3/4ths of the driveway! Mr Lesaro, Ma Hill and me....hard work. My fingers are freezing, but at least the rental car is now at the top of the drive. 3 hours. Three hours. I'm now in the process of thawing. Ma Hill and I did our share of goofing around, and I of course, bossed mom and gavin around, trying to get them to try different methods, until we found the "fast" way of manually clearing snow. (sorry for being so bossy Ma Hill and Mr Lesaro, its unfortunately part of my nature to manage). Tarps are not an easy way to make a sled by the way, as mom and I tried, and got virtually nowhere, though it was very funny! The other problem we came in contact with was water streaming from an outside shed along the side of the house. It was trickling down into my mothers patio, off of her flat. Well, needless to say we now have no water, at least until Mr Landlord buys a valve. In the meantime we are thinking about taking a venture to oak harbor. I'm looking forward to it. Mr Lesaro and I both are having massive cabin fever, after 3 days stuck at home.

Dec Thirteenth Comes Soon

Though there are other issues that plow through the snowdrifts in my brain I think I'll talk about my husband. He'll be here in less than six days. It's this very peaceful feeling, knowing that Saturday night, a plane from New Zealand, via San Francisco will be carrying my short hobbit like man. I've gone almost 5 months without his company (minus 1 sorrowful week in October). Mr Lesaro is gentle, and comforting, and unassuming, and I've missed his quirky sense of humor. He is kind, and giving, and rarely demanding. There is a certain quility of security in his personality that I have yet to pinpoint and that makes him interesting to me. His patience is sometimes a weakness, but often keeps my impatience at bay. He has helped me be objective on many occasions and I only hope I have done the same for him.

In July, I sat across from him. We were at an Italian place for dinner, in Parnell. It was a tiny place. Rustic, with wood floors and interesting local art hanging from it's walls. For one brief, intense moment, tears infultrated my eyes; I knew that night was the last time we'd see each other for 5.5 months. But, even then the thought was there, between both Mr Lesaro and I. Statistics we'd researched about cancer had confirmed it.  I came and Papa has passed, and now Mr. Lesaro comes on Saturday.

Maybe its the relief that we'll be together now. Maybe it's how he loves me that makes this reunion so special to me. Whatever it is, I am looking forward to hugging him, and waking with him. Looking forward to going to the cinemas with him, and opening presents with him...just being with him.

How unworthy I am of such a simple, kind, friendly, hard-working man and friend.

Thank you God, and be with my mother, as she experiences a time, when her man is in a world nearer you and knowing you deeper and experiencing you face to face, and now mom is left here alone. Whether it be 5.5 months, or 55.5 years, I pray her time would pass as easily as my few months has without my companion. Thank you for listening...God and everyone.
luv Jenn

love song

try to help.
try to love,
but when it flows
you think i force it on you

it's not enough
it's all i've got
but it's not love
if we asail each other's souls

i'm stepping back
at a distance
my agenda is packed up
i'm just resting
and i'm testing
the truth of my true love

let the hectic rule for now
tomorrow we'll rebuild
i won't worry
there's no need
devistate this if you will
a bigger glory's on it's way
and there's peace around the bend
tomorrow's a new day
until then we'll just pretend

© 2008 Jenniba Music

waitin for mamasan

Quick note. I can easily waste an entire morning looking for new hairstyles on the web. How rediculous! Ma Hill should be here in 15 min. I'm going to go wash dishes. Dirty dishes are her peev.

Out of Orbit

I've been thinking about friendship. I had a small get together in September of friends I hadn't seen in a while. The friends that were there were friends met at different points in my life and each of them hold special significance for me.

Its nearly December now & I'm about to go back to New Zealand.  I'm flogging myself a little, sadly, because I have seen so few people here in WA, and wishing that the time remaining wasn't so short, and wishing I had more time to see more people.

In the theory of  Love Languages I found that Quality Time (QT) is 2nd of my top two languages. (Words of Affirmation = my # 1).  Having QT as my second love language means that it is the second best way of making me feel like I am completely and utterly adored. I cherish when people want to hang out, go on a hike, make sugar cookies, watch movies, throw a party, take a road trip, have coffee, go on a drive, etc, etc, etc.

It connects me to others and I LOVE it!

There are also friends I wish I was still connected with. People who have made amazing impacts on me. Some have kids or are in different cities... or we just don't connect anymore.

We've fallen out of orbit.

It is an interesting thing that I am learning.  The lessons of loss and love.  So often we only know loss and love via death and romance.  But somewhere in the middle is the way more common love and loss of friendships that change and mold us into who we are today.

To all friends loved and lost, my "out of orbits"  I say "I'm sorry for not sharing my present with you. I am missing you and thinking of you on a daily basis."


~Lu

Today is harder than any other I've had. Just small tasks to do today, but I can't stop missing Papa. I just wish for him near me. I long for his advice, or comment, or story. I long to listen to him talk, or even tell me what to do, even in a bossy way, I don't care. I wish for him to say "I miss you" like he used to when I'd call home from New Zealand. "I miss you too Papa." I honestly don't know how people go through this without believing in heaven or God. This is the only thing that brings me solace, that Papa is in a new place that has no more suffering. Death...oh death, you are painful and strip me of control over my emotions. Not so for the one who has passed. He went peacefully. But for me, the one who sits and misses, and longs.

Lu and Mr Lesaro
A moment of closeness.  We love you Pa Hill

PAPA'S MEMORIAL SERVICE

Jack Sherman Hill, born Nov. 25 1939, went to be with His father, God in heaven, October 15th, 2008 after a courageous two year battle against the dragon, pancreatic cancer.

Jack passed away peacefully at home and is survived by his wife of 24 years Paulette Hill, nine children; Kim Kidder (Deer Park, WA), Robin Meyers (Freeland, WA), David Hill (Spokane, WA), Deeann Bennett (Spokane, WA), Kimberley Tucksen (Yelm, WA), Karin Gilmore (Spokane, WA), Meagan Campbell (Bellingham, WA), Jennifer Bateman (Wellington, New Zealand), and Jessica Ober (Seattle,WA), adopted children; Mark Magney (Spokane WA) and Joy Meek (Spokane, WA), twelve grandchildren, two great-grand children, and several much loved nieces and nephews. He also has three sisters, the late Mary Phillips (Las Vegas), Lauretta Phillips (North Carolina), and Trudy Potter (Spokane, WA).

Jack faithfully served his country for twenty years, gaining the rank of CWO-2 in the U.S. Navy. His service included three tours in Vietnam, where he received a medal of honor for his bravery in rescuing two men, caught in combat. He also served the U.S. in the Navy's Bikini Island atom bomb testing in the 1950’s.

The family would like to thank the doctors and nurses at Virginia Mason Hospital in Seattle, WA, especially Dr. Vincent Picozzi, MD in oncology, and the staff in ICU at Whidbey General Hospital. Additionally they would like to thank Vic Hansen and Hansen’s Lumber employees for their prayers and support during Jack’s inability to work due to his illness. Jack played an active role in his community and his church, Whidbey Evangelical Free Church in Greenbank.
The family asks that any monetary gifts be made to Life Services Crisis Pregnancy Center, in Spokane, WA. Condolences can be sent to Paulette Hill, PO Box 74 Freeland, WA 98249.

Jack will forever be remembered for his generous spirit, kind heart, selflessness, humility, protection of his family and country, and his compassion for all people. His spirit and legacy will continue to live on through the lives that he touched, and his beloved wife and children.

Memorial to be held on Sunday October 19th at 2:00 pm at Whidbey Evangelical Free Church in Greenbank. Further information to come regarding a second memorial service that will be held in Spokane WA in the following week.

Sickness and death

Ps 102 Psalm 102:19 & 20 "Tell them the Lord looked down from his sanctuary. He looked to the earth from heaven to hear the groans of the prisoners, to release those condemned to die." ....vs 24 "But I cried to him, "My God, who lives forever, don't take my life while I am still so young!"

Isaiah 38:10-19 "I said, "in the prime of my life, must I now enter the place of the dead? Am I to be robbed of my normal years?" I said, "Never again will I see the Lord God, while still in the land of the living. Never again will I see my friends or laugh with those who live in this world. My life has been blown away like a shepherd's tent in a storm. It has been cut short, as when a weaver cuts cloth from a loom. Suddenly, my life was over. I waited patiently all night, but I was torn part as though by lions. Suddenly, my life was over. Delirious, I chattered like a swallow or a crane, and then I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew tired of looking to heaven for help. I am in trouble, Lord. Help me! But what could I say? For he himself had sent this sickness. Now I will walk humbly throughout my years because of this anguish that I have felt. Lord, your discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You have restored my health and have allowed me to live! Yes, it was good for me to suffer this anguish, for you have rescued me from death and have forgiven all my sins. For the dead cannot praise you; they cannot raise their voices in praise. Those who go down to destruction can no longer hope in your faithfulness. Only the living can praise you as I do today. Each generation can make known your faithfulness to the next. Think of it--the Lord has healed me! I will sing his praises with instruments every day of my life in the Temple of the Lord."

At Matt and Jessica's

Matt and Jessica apartment is a minty green. Its rather small, but their vintage retro desk brings the little abode to life. I'm waiting for Mike. I'm not sure if he's coming, but hope for the best. I think I told him I was going to call him, but I really don't remember. This week has been mentally taxing in that Papa has been very weak, and really worrying me a bit. Tomorrow I take him to the hospital all on my own. Pray for the best. Matt is playing my 12 string. It sounds quite nice right now. His current set of chords sounds a bit like music i would imagine as the background of a movie featuring a story of flower children, set in the early 70's with plenty of daisies blowing in the wind and sun behind them as they walk over a the horizen. Jessica is going over the weeks activties with Matt, which includes a shopping list, the best meal, in my opinion is the burritos. Ram root beer also sounds tastey.

It is 6:28 am on a Monday morning. In three hours we (mom, papa, and I) will be on ferry, on our way to Viginia Mason hospital were we will meet with Dr. P. My Papa's cancer is terminal, and so every time I've gone to the Dr. with them I feel a sick sense of looming. Infact, I cannot believe how strong they both have been. I asked them if they ever feel afraid when they go, and they said "Yes, sometimes, but most of the time no." As for my self, as long as I have to go with them, I think a small ting of fear will attach itself to my heart. Its obviously not fair to let it; the last Dr's appt was simple. All Dr. P confirmed was that Papa needs to get stronger, otherwise we cannot do treatment. This is what mom and I have been trying to do for him the last month. Whether or not our making sure he eats on time, sleeps soundly, or has someone with him most of the day has helped his actual health I cannot tell. His spirits, most definitely yes, (except maybe when we are forcing him to eat more than his wimpy cravings for just 700 calories a day!)

This doctors appt scares me specifically because Papa has eluded to the hopes that they put him in the hospital. In all honesty I can't help but wonder, if they do hospitalize him, will he come back? Although he has been hospitalized before and come home, it still frightens me. However, how I feel about the meeting is irrelevant, it must happen and there is now way around it.

Cancer like this is a very strange thing. Some days I get so frustrated that I feel like throwing vases through my parents sliding glass door. Somehow that seems like it would relieve the stress. Sometimes the day will be lovely, and I will focus on how awesome it is that he's still with us. Its almost been two years since his diagnosis, and 1 year and 8 months longer life than the Dr's predicted.

So today we go and see Dr. P. I will be praying a lot of little "help" prayers all day, and hopefully some praise prayers too.

Papa's Dream Ride

Papa has a van, and he dreams for it to be bright, happy yellow--this is his sketch of it in yellow. Its an 1988 Crystler mini-van. Nonetheless this is one of his dreams.